Four Source Idols: Do You Love Me?
Thank you for tuning in for another week of the Live & Labor newsletter. This is the last installment of our series on the four source idols. The idols that are often at the root of our sinful inclinations. Those are: power, control, comfort, and approval. You can read the first three letters here.
Today is about approval and I knew when I started this series this would be the hardest to write. The desire for approval has been at the forefront of my emotions my entire life. For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt out of place. The perpetual outcast desiring to fit in. I don’t know if there has ever been a time or place in my life where I truly felt like I belonged.
Anyone who has seen me in groups would be surprised to hear this. I play the role of chameleon well. But when you’ve never felt like you’ve belonged, you learn how to fit in. When all you desire is approval, you learn how to play the games that will get it. You become this weird, alternate version of yourself, that is you but not fully you.
Nobody wants to stand out and yet I’ve always felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb everywhere I’ve gone. From something as silly as not being dressed as cool as the other guys in school to being the only Black face in a lot of the rooms I enter as an adult. My desire for approval has naturally led to foolish decisions in life. Again, something as simple as blowing an entire paycheck on an outfit to pursuing sin I thought would win me favor with people.
Through it all there’s the same sad voice of that little boy in my head asking: do you like me? Do you love me? Am I good enough? Am I safe here?
I spent much of my childhood wishing I was someone else or somewhere else. As I got older that morphed into a chip on my shoulder where I felt the need to prove I belong. I sought attention in the most random ways, hoping for a little applause. My favorite example of this is back in high school I used to walk around with a half gallon of orange juice any time I got sick (I was so annoying). In adulthood, I think I wear the badge of not needing the approval of others as another twisted way to get approval. As much as we like to pretend we don’t care about the opinions of others; the truth is we do.
I’ve been thinking about childhood trauma a lot lately. It really sticks with you. We can address it, work through it, accept it, but it always seems to lurk in the shadows. No matter how much we say we’ve moved on or don’t harbor ill feelings, those shadows are almost always there. When you grow up feeling unwanted, you’ll find yourself doing anything you can to fit in.
Knowing Your Identity
Naturally, as someone who has always felt he had to work for approval, I approached God the same way. I spent years trying to be “good enough” to earn favor before Him. Those are stories I can go into another day if you’d like but needless to say it was always a fruitless endeavor.
It was only when I heard the Gospel for the first I had ears to hear it that life changed. I understood that Jesus’ death was because I would never be good enough to pay the penalty for my sin. I don’t need to seek approval because there was one who had already done the work and I was accepted by him. Although I had been hearing this message most of my life, it was at that point that it clicked in a different way for me.
But shadows remain. They’re tricky like that, they don’t just go away because you’ve trusted in Jesus. I love this excerpt from The Bondage Breaker by Neil T. Anderson:
Some strongholds of bad habits and sinful thought patterns were established when you learned to live your life independently of God. Your non-Christian environment taught you to think about and respond to life in a non-Christian way, and those patterns and responses were ingrained in your mind as strongholds. But when you became a Christian, nobody pressed the “CLEAR” button in your mind. Your old fleshly habits and patterns weren’t erased; they are still a part of your flesh that must be dealt with on a daily basis. Thankfully, however, you are not just a product of your past; you are a new creature in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17), and now you are primarily a product of the work of Christ on the cross. Old strongholds can be destroyed…
I’d love to say I don’t fight for approval anymore but the truth is it’s my deepest insecurity. I still find myself asking those questions: Do I belong here? Am I wanted here? But it’s better today than it was 20 years ago and that’s a major victory.
Where do you land on these four idols: power, control, comfort, and approval? I’d love to hear from you.